NEWS FLASH! Yet Another Baseless Rumor

[DISCLAIMER: We like to avoid presenting satirical pieces more than the next guy, but every once in a while, something irresistible comes along....]

Has Anybody Else Heard this Rumor out of the McCain campaign, that they are going to cancel the Federal income tax and give every man, woman and child in America an annual cash rebate of $3,000 per person, per year? Senator John got this idea from his running mate, Governor Sarah of Alaska. Governor Sarah says that this is what she does every year with the people in her state, and they love her for it.

How Will this $900,000,000,000 Windfall be paid for? At first, Governor Sarah said that they could get the money out of the state treasury, like they do in Alaska. But Senator John said that he didn’t think that they could do that. The money in the Alaska treasury comes from the oil companies who pump oil there, but in Washington, we don’t charge the oil companies for the oil they drill.

Then One of Senator John’s Chief Financial Advisors spoke up and said, “You know, what about all that money sitting in Social Security? You know, we don’t use very much of it every year. How about if we use that?”

Well, Now, as We All Know, Senator John is not very big on economy and things like that, so he said it sounded like a good idea.

My Question Is, “Can We Really Expect the Federal Government to send us each $3,000 every year? I mean, how can we be sure that they’ll do that?”

The Answer May Surprise You. Senator John and Governor Sarah said that, you know, the way the Democrats have been doing things for the past eight years, they’ve actually charged taxes for doing things. But the Republicans know how to do it. Republicans know how to run government and wars and Medicare and the Veterans Administrations, and other things like that, without taxes.

Republicans Believe That You Shouldn’t Make People Pay for the things that they get. And so Senator John and Governor Sarah are going to cancel all taxes, both for private citizens and for corporations alike, and then they will go into the vault where all of the Social Security money is kept, and they’ll just take it out and send it out to you.

The Only Hitch, of Course, is that not just anybody can go into the Social Security vault and gather up all that money. You have to be–Get this!–the President, or the Vice-President, or something like that. So they can’t start giving out the money until after they get elected.

The Moral of this Story is that you need to vote for Senator John and Governor Sarah, and get them elected. And then, just go out in your backyard and start digging a hole big enough to hide all your new, free money.

Citizen-Shareholder Bail-Out

[DISCLAIMER: The following post is not in any way associated with the Presidential campaign of Barack Obama and the Vice-Presidential campaign of Senator Joe Biden.]


The Proposal to Privatize Social Security made many Americans nervous. The current situation in the financial markets shows why. With the stock market down more than 25%, anyone relying entirely on investments for retirement right now would be facing hard times.

The Financial Institution Bail-Out Gives America a Unique Opportunity. As long as the American people are bailing out the mortgage companies—and the investment companies—and the banks—and the insurance companies—the right thing to do is to compensate the taxpayers for the risk that we are taking on. That’s why an Obama/Biden administration, once each of these companies has been restored to economic good health, can take the bold step of distributing stock shares of these companies to the citizen shareholders

President Barack Obama, if elected, can see to it that each American citizen receives an equal number of shares of stock in that company. Within a short time of balance being restored in the American financial markets, every single American will share in the benefits of stock ownership: regular dividends, as well as the value of the price increase of their shares.

Under an Obama “American Shareholder Plan,” each American will be able to sell his or her stock on the stock exchanges—or deposit it, tax-free, in their own private retirement account.

On Both Sides of the Political Divide, we say that we are eager to work together. Now, challenging times have shown us a way to make this a reality. We can bail out those troubled institutions whose failure threatens us all, while at the same time, we get compensation for the risk that we are taking in these bailouts.

It’s a Win/Win Situation. And under an Obama/Biden presidential administration, that’s the way it’s going to be.

One Nation, Indivisible, with Justice—
and Investments—for All!