NEWS FLASH! Republican Ticket Promises Tax Rates “Less Than Zero”

[A Spurious Report Found in a WPA Picnic Shelter Somewhere in Slovakia, Idaho]

BOWLING GREEN—Alaska Governor and Republican Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, speaking this morning at a rally in Bowling Green, Ohio, promised that, if elected, she and vice-presidential running-mate Joe the Plumber would bring “real change” to Washington in the form of income tax rates that would go below the zero-percent tax rate previously considered unbreakable.

“We Have Suffered Under the Yoke of a Democratic-Imposed Tax Burden For Too Long,” said the newly elevated presidential candidate. “It is a well-known fact among everybody but the ‘Tax-and-Spend’ Democratic members of the Democratic Party—including Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid—that the more you lower taxes, the greater the tax revenues. This is a known fact going all the way back to the days of President Ronald Reagan, who lowered tax rates, and the tax revenues continued to just flow right on in.”

“I Totally Agree Wholeheartedly,” said Joe the Plumber, whose candidacy for the vice-presidency was announced just hours ago, after Governor Palin accepted the Republican Party’s presidential nomination following the surprise withdrawal of the previous candidate, respected war hero and former prisoner of war, Arizona Senator John McCain.

“It’s Socialism to Keep Taxing People to Pay for Things That No One Wants,” continued Mr. the Plumber. “Spread the wealth by making someone else pay for your military, your Medicare, your Social Security? I don’t know anyone who needs those things in America, where if you just work hard and keep your nose down, you can scrape together a few dollars and buy someone’s small business and be making maybe a quarter of a million dollars, or even more, and then the government just tries to take it away from you, and give it to people who don’t even pay taxes.”

“The United States of America Wasn’t Built on the Backs of People Like You and Me,” added Governor Palin. “If we raise taxes during an economic crisis, that’s just what Barak Obama and Joe Biden and the Democrats want you to think.”

“It’s Crazy!” Ms. Palin Continued. “You Don’t Raise Taxes! You Lower Taxes! We’re here to create wealth! What do you think the U.S. Treasury is for, if you don’t already know? Someone’s been listening to the wrong people too long. We need more Joe the Plumber and Ed the Electrician. We don’t need someone like Barack the Tax Raiser and Biden the Money Spender!”

“If Elected,” said Vice-Presidential Candidate Joe the Plumber, “I will lower the tax rates to less than zero. If a top tax rate of 70% was good enough for the Democrats back before Reagan was President, then I don’t see what we can’t have 70% below zero for taxes. I don’t know about you, but I’ve waited all my life for government to treat me the way it’s always made me treat government.”

Former Candidate John McCain Was Not in Attendance at the day’s key Republican vote-getting event. AP wire reports indicate that Senator McCain was last seen boarding a commercial air flight to Panama City, Panama.

“I’m Coming Home, Lord, Lord,” the Senator was reported to have said. “Lord, Lord, I’m coming home.”

Does John McCain Still Want to Be President?

In John McCain’s History, we see a war hero who has devoted his career to serving the American people in the United States Congress. His efforts at following conscience over the dictates of political convenience have been respected in both political parties.

The Three Cornerstones of Senator McCain's Politics have been reform and deregulation and war.

As Regards Reform, he sponsored 2002’s McCain-Feingold Campaign Reform Act. He speaks firmly now in favor of regulating the greed that has taken the American economy to the brink of disaster. Senator McCain’s commitment to reform in Congress is clear.

But Has It Made Any Difference?

As Regards War, Senator McCain believes strongly in the conduct of the War in Iraq. He has supported the current president unwaveringly, saying that he would rather lose the presidency in order to win a war, than win the presidency and lose the war. Some people believe that the senator's commitment to the War in Iraq reflects a desire to re-fight the Vietnam War—and win this time. No more "domino effect," leading the Communist Chinese and Vietnamese hordes to make beach-landing attacks on our Pacific shores.

Not Like Last Time...

But on the Deregulation Front, it is the Republican Party’s relentless pursuit of deregulations that has led us to the current financial crisis.

The Result of Deregulation Is the Current Economic Fiasco. 1999’s Gramm-Leach-Bliley Financial Services Modernization Act, which removed the Depression-era safeguards of 1933’s Glass-Steagall Act, was the precipitate cause of what we face today. (This act was sponsored by the same Phil Gramm who until recently was the senior economic advisor of the McCain campaign.)

More-Recently, the Demise of the Entire Republican Economic Premise was acknowledged by former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. "Shocked disbelief" is how Mr. Greenspan put it, admitting that the underlying basis of Republican economic theory is as bankrupt as the nation on which the theory has been tested.

If John McCain’s Primary Focus as a Senator has been to move toward deregulation—as he has reiterated countless times during the lengthy presidential campaign—and it is the abject failure of such deregulations that has caused the current financial meltdown, what is left for John McCain to do?

Net Result: No Effective Reform, No Win in Iraq, an Economy in Crisis.

So What Would John McCain Do if he were elected as President? What more would he deregulate? What new wars would he choose to fight?

Does John McCain Really Still Want to Be President?

If So, Why?