A Rock-Thrown Letter About Voter I.D. in Texas

Recently We Received a Copy of the Following Letter, wrapped around a brick thrown through the window of our Austin, Texas, offices:

Dear Texas Senator & Fellow Stalwart Republican:

Thank you for focusing your energy on purifying the electoral races of the American voter here in Texas, with the Senate Bill 362.

The idea that somebody might steal a true American’s vote and sneak illegal ballots into the voting box aims a arrow of terror right at the heart of this Real American.

Your proposed voter-ID legislation is about as timely and essential a piece of legislation that faces the people of Texas and the United States of America today.

However, I have a important question about how this new ID will work:

Recently, my wife and I had our house foreclosed on, and since then, we have been living in the back of our Chevy Astrovan. When we apply for the identification to vote in the elections, what address should we use:

A) Our foreclosed former home (No one else lives there yet)?

B) The address where we park to sleep most nights. (Wal-Mart is very nice to let us do this)?

C) The polling place where we used to vote for the past forty-four years, before we lost our jobs?

Senator, you have more important things to deal with right now than writing a letter back to me. But it sure is important to me and the wife that we don't miss out on our right to vote.

With the National government in the hands of the “other party,” Americans no longer have the careful watchdogs of responsible fiscal policy at the helm. But despite our homeless plight and the low price that aluminum cans now fetch at the recycling place, we have every confidence that as soon as the Republicans are back in control, America will see nothing but blue skies—and legal voters—from now on.

Sincerely,
Tom DeLay*


_______
* Ha-ha! (Not my real name.)

NEWS FLASH! President Bush Declares National Celebration!

[DISCLAIMER: The confusion of today's events have compelled this imaginary effort to make some sense of it all.]

President George W. Bush Today, speaking from the White House, announced that “September 29th, 2008, shall henceforth be celebrated as National John McCain Day in honor of the role that Presidential Candidate John McCain played in pushing through the legislation today that quite literally may have saved the nation.”

“We Were Going Over Niagara Falls in a Handbasket,” President Bush said. “The subprime-mortgage fallout over the declining economy was making it hard for you and me and the man on the street to get a credit card to use to buy his groceries. And the same for his gasoline, which has gone up as high as $4.00 a gallon in some parts."

“America Did Not Hesitate in Knowing Where to Turn,” said the President. “There was a meltdown. A literal meltdown. And the Democrats, well, you know. This is no time for partisan politics that blame those on the other side of the aisle, in the Democratic Party, who stood by and watched the empty beer keg floating in the barrel of melted ice.”

“And Then, Along Came John,” the 43rd President of the United States said from his podium in the Rose Garden. “And John McCain got the job done.”

“There Was This Other Candidate, You See,” Mr. Bush continued. “Barack Obama, see, he didn’t—Well, you can’t just phone it in. You have to be there.”

“And John McCain Was There,” the President added. “He was there just as he had been in Vietnam as a P.O.W., a prisoner-of-war who when they let him go home, he said that, ‘No. I’d rather stay.’ And he stayed. And the rest is history.”

“Yesterday, as a Result of the Dedication of My Friend, John McCain, the biggest bailout in American history took place,” said Mr. Bush. “We were pulled from the brink of disaster, our economy. And so I hereby declare this a national day of celebration.”

“National ‘John McCain Saved the Day’ Day will now be celebrated throughout America every year on the 29th day of September. And if it falls on a day other than Monday, then we will move it to Monday. And have two holidays that year.”

“Thank You, John McCain, for Rescuing America Single-Handedly Once Again.”